This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay