I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”