Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
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Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄