Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
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I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me