Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
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Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
the noise i just made
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.