Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Well, that didn’t work.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The real reason evolution started..😂
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
accurate
nyc:
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick