Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?