The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
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If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.