My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
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Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today