Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.