Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.