When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
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Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Digital security in Ancient Troy
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.