Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I see your IQ test came back negative
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.