lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
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Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.