My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Genius idea!!
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.