COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Who chose this font
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*