I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*