Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
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35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
just leave it at the foot of the bed
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.