If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood