[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
You Might Also Like
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
How software testing works
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news