“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
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Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.