My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.