Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
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Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.