Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Breaking news:
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?