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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
reminder
PER MY LAST EMAIL
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.