Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
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Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.