Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
nature’s most graceful animal
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”