So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
bugs when you lift up a rock
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Ape together strong
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.