I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
You Might Also Like
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.