Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too