confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
You Might Also Like
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”