Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
You Might Also Like
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?