[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
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*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.