My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.