I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.