*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Never be a pizza!
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken