[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I’ve been drinking.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.