Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
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I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]