“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
can I use a minion as a tampon
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*