FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.