Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.