As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
You Might Also Like
new wife guy just dropped
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene