” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.