Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
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[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
this is the news I live for
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*