Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
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ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”