The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
happy valentine’s day to me
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?