Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
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There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
This line from Airplane.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Why is this me 😫
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there