A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
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i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.