[being buried alive] you missed a spot
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If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
fired
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.