[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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the simulation is moving too fast
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Still my favourite meme.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday